Daily Horoscope?

Greetings friends, as a large number of you seem very eager to update me daily on the vague, generalised stabs in the dark that are your horoscopes, despite the fact I am not a libra or cancer or whatever it is you are and are super EXTRA not interested, even if I was a crazy nutjob who believed anything the voodoo lady told me, I have decided that instead of pointing out all the flaws of astrology and then maybe pointing out how stupid you are for a) believing in it and then possibly b) for continuing to support the lunatics and scam artists that perpetuate the nonsense, I will instead cash in on the whole thing and write your daily horoscopes for you. My horoscopes are more awesome than all the other horoscopes and if you disagree with that then you are entitled to your own opinion (and that opinion is wrong.) Here is your horoscope for today, let me know how accurate I am: "If things aren't looking up there is a probability that they are instead looking down (sources: Science). Taking this knowledge into consideration you should probably not attempt to stare at a wall and hold your breath for two hours straight as this might result in death, although probably not so maybe do try it after all and if you die then we can chalk that up to survival of the smartest. A financial investment opportunity will come your way when you briefly consider buying all the coffees from a starbucks and selling them from out the back of a van at double price, however this idea will fall through when you realise that nobody can afford to take out a mortgage just to buy coffee in this current economic climate. There is a high probability that if you make yourself a sandwich you will also eat it, except where you don't or where you are making a sandwich for another person. Your lucky colour has sadly been deleted." Thanks for your time. If you feel that this time was wasted you can consider it time that you owed me for all the time I had to spend setting your horoscope messages to ignore. Don't forget to check back tomorrow for your daily horoscope, if you do forget you will probably be hit by a car and you will die knowing that you weren't forewarned of it happening (except that I just told you so ignore that.)